WHY I'M STILL SINGLE

If I had a dollar for every time in the last MONTH I've been asked why I'm still single, I would have approximately $45.

My favorite question this month, though: "Did you find a boyfriend yet?" YET. As in: What the hell is taking so long?

First of all, I'm 28. Not 48. So let's all stop acting like I'm the crazy cat lady living down the street. 

Second, I think I can speak for most of my still-single friends when I say (there's only one left, BTW), although most people look at me like I have the bubonic plague when they find out I'm still single in my ripe old age, there is a method to my madness. And with that, I've collected a list of my shenanigans for you below. 

1) My free nights are MY nights. Not my boyfriend's. Not my boyfriend's mom's. And sure as shit not my boyfriend's ball-scratching idiot friends'. I am responsible for myself and no one else. And if I don't get out of bed until 1:00 on a Saturday, there's no one waking me up to watch a stupid NASCAR race that I'm not interested in anyway. Call me selfish, but you just can't beat being free of obligations.  

2) Maybe, just maybe, I'm waiting for someone with some SUBSTANCE. Rock hard abs and a GQ jawline only get you so far. And until that time, I'd prefer to keep my bed empty and my legs closed. (Novel concept, I know.)

3) I'm picky. Wait wait wait. There's a guy you know that makes a lot of money and is wicked smart, but having an adult conversation with him is like talking to a wall?? I'm sorry......and you're confused why I won't go out with him?? I also should probably add that I might be a little mean spirited when it comes to people with 'ticks.' True story: I once had dinner with a guy whose lips moved when he wasn't talking. See what I mean? 

4) I CAN'T STAND a Stage-5 Clinger. I know most people in the world think it's dudes that need time away from a relationship. Because girls are usually all clingy and $hit. But for God's sake, it's 2017. A female that doesn't NEED a man 24/7 isn't an alien. She's a genius. Chicks are independent and have boundaries, too. And right now, you're crossing mine.  

5) I have standards. (Yes, this goes with being picky.) Respect was something I was raised with and I have ZERO tolerance for those who don't understand it. A simple "please" and "thank you" goes a long way in showing where someone thinks they fit in with others. (Hint: It should be equal to or below. Not above.

6) I take my love life seriously. Call me crazy, but I think the process of finding the one you're "spending forever with" is something that shouldn't be taken lightly and most certainly shouldn't be rushed into. I once "dated" a guy for three months who just overnight up and turned into Adolf Hitler. No joke. He was a total asswipe! Pardon me if I'm being too forward here, but I don't really want to spend the rest of my life with a Communist. Just sayin. 

7) I want someone that I actually HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH. I realize that searching for another college athlete cuts down my already slim prospects by probably another 75%. But seriously.....if a dude can't throw a football and he asks me why someone is stealing a base, we've got problems. 

8) I want a MAN. I appreciate a guy with feelings, but if I hear "you're really intimidating" one more time, I'm gonna lose my marbles. Yes, I'm a strong-headed, loud-mouthed, successful woman and I worked my rear end off to get to where I am. The only thing that warrants is respect. Not you running back to mommy. Now put your big boy pants on and let's go. 

9) I REFUSE to date someone younger than me. No joke--I've done it once in my life and DISASTER would literally be the biggest understatement of the century. While I'm aware my eggs are drying up as we speak, we're all aware that women have a head start on puberty. By the time a woman turns 18, she's really at least 21 mentally (but definitely not when she's drinking). A guy on the other hand, when he turns 18, he's really 15. If he's lucky. By the time 25 rolls around, yep, you guessed it, he's still behind. A guy won't actually mature until he's at least 30. (Scientifically proven. By me, of course.) Which really puts him at 28 (again, being generous). Thus, my reason for dating guys older than me....if we give them a few extra years to bake, they'll eventually be equal to us. (Or as close as they're gonna get.)

And last, but certainly not least....

10) Online dating SUCKS. I would know. I tried it. Once. Okay twice. But I had to set up an entirely new email account to protect myself from the barrage of messages being sent from weirdos. Hell, even a door knob could get 500 emails a day on that $hit. Now don't get me wrong........while looking at pictures of semi-attractive (but mostly super not-attractive men) all day sounds super enticing, I'm employed and I've got bills to pay. So ain't nobody got time for that. 

[ Funny story, I looked up the word 'barrage' to make sure I spelled it right, and the definition could not be more perfect for this situation.  barrage (n.): 1. Military. A heavy barrier of artillery fire to protect one's own advancing or retreating troops or to stop the advance of enemy troops. ]  Haha!

Alright, there you have it folks. Now you know why a mediocre comedian, "retired" college athlete, mainly-a-4-but-feels-like-a-6-on-her-good-days female is still single. 

One time....I heard someone say they were taking applications for best friends. So let's do that. But ya know, for boyfriends. Cute ones. Possibly with blonde hair. Blue eyes. Maybe 6'5ish. Muscular build.........oh hell, who am I even kidding............